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ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.