{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
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I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Mornin
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.