girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
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If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*