I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
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If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.