*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
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her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
That took me a moment.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”