No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
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bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Yes my dude
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…