I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
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Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.