Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
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Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
*me flirting
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.