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The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?