so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
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INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
How do you milk an almond?
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.