4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
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I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
this is what they would have looked like, though
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”