Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
You Might Also Like
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Kids: Stay in school.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I am, perchance
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?