If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
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I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years