Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
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Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
#CoronaOutbreak
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?