I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
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Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.