Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
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If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.