Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
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Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
I bet
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?