Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
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My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone: