Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
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Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Best spot.. 😅
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.