*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
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The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Marriage: When dating goes too far.