STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
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Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.