A completely valid reaction tbh
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Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote