Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
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My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.