If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
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Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.