The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
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STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
A drum solo but on your face.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.