Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
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Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
This is my bus stop.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.