I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
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i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.