god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
You Might Also Like
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Gemma Correll
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Mad Max Arctic Road
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months