Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
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BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
True statement👍😏😁
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
when you are just born a rebel
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.