[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
You Might Also Like
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
english majors be like furthermore