I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
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the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.