True statement👍😏😁
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Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️