Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
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Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
me and who
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”