ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
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I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.