Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
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Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.