Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
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If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
they really do be looking like this
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One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
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Oh my god
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If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on