Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
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[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL