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[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt