[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
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Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain