We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
You Might Also Like
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM