My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
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Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
You’ll be OK
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people