SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
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Writing, She Murdered.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no