{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
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I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Pot warmers of the day.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
welp
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
👾👾👾
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream