Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
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On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill