Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
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Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Lol #dogsoftwitter
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.