Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
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No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”