@soyourelikethat
@lost__at_sea interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
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@lost__at_sea 
@XplodingUnicorn My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
@chadchaines “I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
@neiltyson FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
@longwall26 If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
@Be___Dope Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
@KeetPotato when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
@TheTweetOfGod I’m giving up for Lent.
@RodLacroix The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
@totincleveland We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.