@soyourelikethat
@ElenaChainHelp1 Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
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@ElenaChainHelp1 
@cortronic *looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
@daemonic3 Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
@tastefactory 2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
@Ideal_Victoria [At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
@causticbob #titanic
@ThisLocalHater Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
@thegallowboob its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
@sixfootcandy [at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
@Moi_RaRa Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.