Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
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Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.