@soyourelikethat

Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.

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@ElenaChainHelp1

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

@cortronic

*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*

@daemonic3

Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes

@tastefactory

2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over

@Ideal_Victoria

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

@ThisLocalHater

Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?

@thegallowboob

its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads

@sixfootcandy

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?

@Moi_RaRa

Dear axe body spray,

Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.

Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.