Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
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ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Go girl power!
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
🙂🐾
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?