[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
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most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.