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The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pok茅mon conversation.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
I almost walked out of the dentist鈥檚 office without putting my pants back on.
I don鈥檛 want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don鈥檛 fit us anymore.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I鈥檓 over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 馃槀
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I鈥檇 just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
My 3 year old isn鈥檛 talking to me because I followed him home from the park