I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
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I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Strangers have the best candy.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the