“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
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My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?